For most of us, the thought of our partner cheating is just this faraway, unrealistic concept! So we’ll never have to ask ourselves if we’d forgive a lying cheater.
I know for me, I’ve never had a partner do it, or thought about doing it myself. So I don’t really understand how someone could commit such an act of betrayal against someone they say they love.
But recently, I read an article about a man who dated a woman for months…without telling her he was MARRIED!!
And in the process of getting a divorce. At least that was actually true, though. He said the reason he didn’t tell her the truth was because he was afraid of losing her. (And lying isn’t the way to lose someone? But anyway…)
This woman decided she wanted to stay with him, and forgave him. And of course, she made sure he was telling the truth this time, about the divorce and its timeline!
Now, I know MOST people, like 99%, including myself, wonder “WHY did she ever forgive a lying cheater who went behind her back for months, and also made her ‘the other woman'”?
Well, psychologist Lori Gottlieb has an answer. She says that if this woman wants to forgive him, then she needs to put herself in his shoes.
Which, in this case, means: think about how much grief and pain is involved in a divorce. You love this person so wholly for so long, and of course there are all the good times and memories. So if the marriage ends, you are left in a state of grief, loss, confusion…and also not wanting to lose anyone else.
To Dr. Gottlieb, it makes sense that someone might do something as horrible as “not telling the person they’ve been dating for 3 months, that they’re actually married.”
Because they are just so terrified of losing anyone…and maybe if they just DON’T THINK ABOUT the bad thing they’re doing, it will just go away, right?
I guess I’m still not quite seeing Lori’s sympathetic angle. But reading this article DID make me think…
I looked it up, and a whopping 50% of people admit to cheating on a partner at some point in their life!! WHAT?
So I thought, if it’s really HALF of all people who cheat, then even if you don’t understand it, isn’t it worth trying to understand, so you can decide whether you would forgive a lying cheater?
I think infidelity is still a poorly understood behavior, because the people who have never done it don’t understand the people who have. But if we’re talking about literally 50% of all people here (and, again, isn’t that crazy??) then I think it’s worth it to dive a little bit deeper here into the mind of a cheater! 🧐
Some people will make the argument that people are not actually wired to be with only one person for the rest of their life.
I completely disagree with this. When you stand there on your wedding day and make your vows and you look into the eyes of the person you love…it’s very real in that moment that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. You could never think of anyone else.
But as the years pass…I think maybe it’s the too-high expectations of marriage and of your partner, that causes people to stray.
What I mean by that is, you want your partner to be reliable, supportive, secure. But then you also want them to be fun, and do the work to keep the fire a spark in the relationship. It’s hard to expect an equal amount of both things!!
But if your partner is missing a certain trait…then maybe you start thinking about that coworker, or friend, or acquaintance from a hobby, because you think you see in them what your partner is lacking.
Or, maybe your partner is checked out, doesn’t help around the house, or is downright annoying sometimes.
There are lots of reasons why someone might be second guessing their marriage…but the solution is (of course) COMMUNICATION.
You have to sit down with your husband or wife and let them know that their behavior is really, truly, upsetting you, and see if you two can start on a plan together. After all, it takes two people to make a marriage work, and if you feel like you’re not getting your needs met, then it’s on you to communicate that.
Not to start daydreaming about someone else you DON’T, at the end of the day, know as well as your awesome partner!! Geez!
So I think the guy in the article I read really, really messed up. And if his girlfriend can’t forgive him, that makes perfect sense.
But again, everyone is different. And everyone’s relationship circumstances are different. So I would never judge someone for deciding to forgive a lying cheater. (Although, of course, I would judge the cheater!! ).
In the aftermath…constant communication of needs, boundaries, and concerns is even more important for a relationship where someone has cheated, but they decide to stay together and work it out.
Not everyone can do it, and honestly I’m glad I’ll never have to think about it!!
I still can’t believe 50% of people cheat!!! But I think if the rest of us can try to understand, it can help us better understand OURSELVES and WHY we do the bad things we do.
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