I just read an article by the psychotherapist and relationship expert ESTHER PEREL that really made me think.
First off, I want to say that I think the strongest couples have faced hardships, some so bad you wonder if the relationship will survive…
Andrew and I have made it past MANY huge obstacles, traumatic life events that would shake even the world’s most stable couple: death, layoffs, debt, near bankruptcy, families not speaking with us, 4 moves, 4 career changes…! Sometimes it felt like “us against the world.”
But that’s just the thing…in order for “us against the world” to work, there has to be an “us”! A UNITED FRONT! You and your partner have to be in constant communication, and checking in with each other to make sure everyone’s relationship needs are met…all that stuff is pretty obvious and self-explanatory!
But Esther Perel’s very important advice is LESS obvious…
That small bickering with your partner can be “death by 1,000 cuts.”
What Esther says — that little squabbles and picking at each other is “low-intensity…WARFARE” — really made my jaw just drop…
Because you always think about the BIG ARGUMENTS, the screaming matches. Luckily Andrew and I don’t really have those anyway!! 😉
BUT…
You don’t think about how grumbling at your partner, and minor criticisms, can add up over time. Again, death by 1,000 cuts!!
“I can’t believe you didn’t…” “Why can’t you…” “You’re wrong…” “I do all the work around here…”
Esther says that when you’re about to say something negative, INSTEAD “pay attention to what’s working.” Esther compares the constant criticism to how when she was a little kid in school, all the things she got wrong were marked in RED PEN!! And it seems so ANGRY!
And then everything you do RIGHT doesn’t get noticed at all…The red marks are the only thing you see. How are you supposed to feel good about yourself?
“Correct Answer”: You DON’T!
So Esther Perel says, you and your partner should both keep a list of EVERYTHING YOUR PARTNER DOES THAT IS POSITIVE, and add to it every single day, no matter what. 🙂 “Focus on what IS working,” Esther says.
She also says that every criticism = the criticizer wanting something.
Like, “Why do you never clean up the kitchen after you make yourself something” actually means, “Why is it my job to clean up someone else’s mess? I feel like my time isn’t being respected and I am being taken for granted.”
Or, “You’re never home,” means “I’m lonely.”
So criticisms are actually just frustration and sadness! “For many, ANGER is easier to express than hurt,” Esther says!!
Now, you might be thinking, “But my partner does these things wrong and it upsets me and I have the right to be mad!”
But hey…
(This isn’t something Esther Perel said, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about.)
People tend to spend all their patience, all their EMOTIONAL ENERGY, on people other than their partner.
You’re nice to your boss, your mother in law, that difficult neighbor…and then you take out the built-up frustration on your partner!!
We use the person we should love MOST IN THE WORLD as our emotional punching bag because we know we can do it without consequences. But like Esther says, eventually all the bickering, the complaining, the cutting down, the negativity: it does have consequences.
So just TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND REMEMBER…
It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s reasonable and who’s unreasonable. It’s NOT ABOUT WINNING! Because when the relationship wins, everybody wins!!!
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